Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend ?

Let everyone go first.....

[Raistlin]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

[Raistlin]

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with ?

[Raistlin]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.

Just cooperate with anything he wants.

If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking bum !"

[Raistlin]

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a wee.

He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus ! What happened then ?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you ?"

[Raistlin]

A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me".

So the white guy says "I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough."

The black says "I hate liver and cheese".

She says "that's not creative".

And then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."

[Raistlin]

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.

"Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night.

When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the cot at night.

What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

[Raistlin]

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained.

"It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

[Raistlin]

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.

He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"

His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank

."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

[Raistlin]

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed.

The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into his doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything!"

The doc asks, "How long have you had this problem?"

The guy says, "What problem?"

[Raistlin]

I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.

No matter where I am: in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"

[Raistlin]

I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.

No matter where I am: in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"

[Raistlin]

I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.

No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"

[Raistlin]

I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.

No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"

Now thats what I call a glitch

[Bizarra]

I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.

No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"

Now thats what I call a glitch

Thanks! I couldn't think of the polite word

[Raistlin]

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they

would never have anything to do with women again. They

were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as

far north as they could go and never look at a woman

again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told

him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one

year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each

one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur

around the hole. The guyssaid "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no

women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The

trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you

don't use themI'll refund your money next year. "Okay,"

they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said

"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a

partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

[Raistlin]

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on.

The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum time."

Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same.

Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?"

Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow".

Cowboy, incredulous, rides on then encounters an Indian in trail masturbating.

Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"

[synchronome]

Now thats what I call a glitch

It's what I call Alzheimer’s :D

[Raistlin]

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college.

When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name.

How did you come to give your children such odd names"?

His father said: "When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn.

Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking"?

[Bizarra]

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on.

The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum time."

Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same.

Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?"

Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow".

Cowboy, incredulous, rides on then encounters an Indian in trail masturbating.

Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"

Not advisable! They would need a Squaw along to rub in Sun block :lol2:

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger

walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up

in the woods and scratched your butt

and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your

crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

[Raistlin]

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up with you."

"Why??" he asks.

She says "because you are a paedophile".

He says "Paedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old."

[Raistlin]

Answering Machine Recording:

"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line.

Please press 1 now.......Now press the other one."