Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

[Raistlin]

A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.

He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"

[Raistlin]

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.

In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

[Raistlin]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife dumped on my face, bit 3 inches off my tool and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Raistlin]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning.

He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[Raistlin]

What's an Australian kiss?

The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

[Raistlin]

The teacher had given the class their homework.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-***** student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

[Raistlin]

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

[Raistlin]

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Raistlin]

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guinness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

[Raistlin]

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zoo keeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has longer pricks ."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms.

What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*.

In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

[Raistlin]

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Boots and asks where the pharmacy counter is.

He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

[Raistlin]

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy.

Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting.

"Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy.

I'm all in favour of Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."

"Why?" chorused the women.

And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad luck?"

[Raistlin]

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.

A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail.

The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up.

Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Raistlin]

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to

give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken

farmer.

He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns

out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The

neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't

easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100

chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new

neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer

said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh,

I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.

I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new

farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100

chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong?

What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too

deep or not far apart enough."

[Raistlin]

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.

The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus *****!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

[Raistlin]

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........No ?

I guess you don't roll them down far enough.

[Raistlin]

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about ***** his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks.

As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand.

He orders two more drinks and does the same thing.

The third time the bartender asks him what's going on.

"Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"?

The man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk."

[Raistlin]

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,sexually, is that men are like firemen.

To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.

Women, on the other hand, are like fire.

They're very excited, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

[Raistlin]

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again.

I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father."

[Raistlin]

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

[Raistlin]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.