Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his boot.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Raistlin]

With the divorce rate so high, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous."

Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

[Raistlin]

What's the definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac ?

One that screws when she's just had her hair done.

[Raistlin]

After working together for a while, Jim and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other.

One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Jim finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Jim says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"

To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my tights"

[Raistlin]

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers".

Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

[Raistlin]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your wang in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire.

It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted tool and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Raistlin]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[Raistlin]

How do you kill a circus ?

Go for the juggler.

[Raistlin]

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*cking wall."

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand.

There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white.

So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.

I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

[Raistlin]

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?

When you see teeth marks.

[Raistlin]

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano ?

An infected pussy on your organ.

[Raistlin]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

[Bizarra]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Too bloody true :( . Ex Drycleaner here being treated for depression (True, but getting there )

[Raistlin]

A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.

"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."

Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm screwing her!"

[Raistlin]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.

When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

[Raistlin]

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around.

Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

[Raistlin]

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant ?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

[Raistlin]

A man appears before a judge, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that ?, What is the big deal about a two-story house ?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

[Raistlin]

How did they know that Jesus was Jewish ?

Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

[Raistlin]

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.

As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time.

As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[Raistlin]

for you girls...

Why is 88 better than 69?

You get 8 twice.

[Raistlin]

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.

[Raistlin]

All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband.

The husband was totally dumbfounded and asks, "What was that for?"

Wife said, "Because, you are rubbish in bed".

Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife.

This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"

Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference.

[Raistlin]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"