The Christmas Joke Thread

[GIDDLEPIN]

[Red Yaris 54]

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.

He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.

'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'

The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it.

Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'

[dave.m]

like it, could not come up with a joke but managed a song. But first the warning :o :o

THE SONG CONTAINS AT LEAST 300 SWEAR WORDS AND IS VERY OFFENSIVE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!!!

CLICKY

*Changed it to a link instead of the visual Dave ;) *

Les

[Blue84]

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

***THIS ISNT A JOKE AS SUCH, BUT ITS FUNNY ANYWAY!***

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!

You should try this!

Sure to bring smiles from your guests!

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.? (see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...

[Red Yaris 54]

Mrs Oppenheimer decided to get away from the often inclement weather of New York and spend Christmas in the deep South of the USA. Being unfamiliar with that part of the world she wandered into a 'restricted' hotel and said 'Hi. I'm Mrs Oppenheimer and I'd like a room for the next week.' 'I'm very sorry,' said the manager, but all our rooms are taken. Just as he said that a customer came to the desk and unexpectedly checked out. 'How lucky' responded Mrs Oppenheimer, 'Now you have a room for me.' 'Look, I'm very sorry' said the manager, but this is a restricted hotel. Jews are not allowed here. 'Jewish! Whaddya mean Jewish. I happen to be a Catholic.' 'That takes some believing' said the manager. Tell me, who was the Son of God?' 'Jesus.' she replied 'Where was he born?' 'In a stable in Bethleham..... simply because some Schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a Jew.'

[Blue84]

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged :lol:

THESE ARE ALL TAKEN FROM AN EMAIL & NO OFFENCE IS MEANT BY THEM.

Schizophrenia

--> Do You Hear What I Hear?

Manic

--> Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

--> I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder

--> Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and hyperventilate.

Agoraphobia

--> I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Father: Did you see Father Christmas this year, son?

Son: No it was too dark to see him, but I heard what he said when he stubbed his toes on the edge of my bed.

Steve: What's your father getting for Christmas?

Dave: Bald and fat.

[Red Yaris 54]

And another...........

It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."

"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."

Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."............

[Red Yaris 54]

One more...............I am on a roll

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and

respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There

wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all

of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud

heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That

morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

[I will get my coat]

[Blue84]

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

[Red Yaris 54]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[Red Yaris 54]

Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view

Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[Red Yaris 54]

It's Christmas Eve and Santa arrives at this beautiful young womans apartment. She takes one look at Santa and decides that she needs to make love to Santa.

She says “Oh Santa, won't you stay the night? Santa replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tries to tempt Santa again by letting down her long silky hair and begs, “Oh Santa, now won't you stay? Santa again replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tries one last time. This time she opens her house robe and reveals her beautiful body. She then asks, “Oh Santa, won't you please stay. Santa, now becoming aroused, replies, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay! Won't fit up the chimney THIS way!

[Blue84]

:lol: at that last one, thats hilarious!

[Red Yaris 54]

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls!

[cfc1]

You certainly are on a roll Steve... here's another...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yxnWl63Avo4

[Red Yaris 54]

http://www.jibjab.com/view/87765

[GIDDLEPIN]

Take note people........ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT (You know it makes sense )

[Raistlin]

Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....

This is for the Christmas period only

[dave.m]

like it, could not come up with a joke but managed a song. But first the warning :o :o

THE SONG CONTAINS AT LEAST 300 SWEAR WORDS AND IS VERY OFFENSIVE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!!!

CLICKY

*Changed it to a link instead of the visual Dave ;) *

Les

I'm gonna stand in the corner, take my shirt off and whip myself with wet shoe laces.

[Raistlin]

Santa Is A Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing

social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull

it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting

gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind

of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with

amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping

spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco

products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You

might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my

husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th

hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa

is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would

wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the

tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,

there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and

strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate

claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already

be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation

problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and

clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the

fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the

Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the

flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas

fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to

straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen

with all those elves.

- Men don't answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest

as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability

to pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

Definite guy.

- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good

will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas

Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

[Raistlin]

A Politically Correct Christmas Story

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his

espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a

Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger

because there was no room for them in the inn.

And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said; "I

bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which

is ***** the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who happened

to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely

regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public

property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even

hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much

like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea "What if I put a couple of reindeer over

there near the ox and the *****?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian

strife.

"That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew as well

as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked

to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or wood- land

creatures of some sort.

"Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves

and snowmen, too." he said. "No court can resist that!"

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snow- men?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before

it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the

Nativity scene.

Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn

in the picture.

"Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the

haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he

quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless, the inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus'

birth "Because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at

virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to

diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well,

then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother, all Jewish women of my time are called

virgins during the first year of their marriage" Mary started to

say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that

swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict

the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant

abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of

the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer

(or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed

to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been

busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the

elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely

standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer, the man said, explaining that the

use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes

carries the subliminal message of human dominance.

He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as

invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are

"penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their

will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring

to the obviously exploited ox and *****. Someone said the halo on

Jesus' head was elitist.

Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said

sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to attack the shepherds

as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that

singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to say

that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some

dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you

that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped!

"They're all male!"

And, "Not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.

A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian

wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and

your son will change the world."

At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant

and confident female face.

The woman spoke again, "There is one thing, though, Religious

holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in

ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this

business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Seasons

Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver

the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could

make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the

religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn,

people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office

parties on his birthday

[GIDDLEPIN]

[Red Yaris 54]

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle for Christmas. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it is Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle for Christmas.

Your Friend,

Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle for Christmas.

Yours truly,

Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle for Christmas?

Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the bin and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed

because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do.

Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,

I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike for Christmas.

You know who............. ;)

[Raistlin]

How about the blonde that went to Christmas mass in one wellington boot.

The vicar asked her why she wore only one wellington boot and she replied that the weather forecast said there would be one foot of snow tonight.

[Raistlin]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much of a singer.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!