The Christmas Joke Thread

[Raistlin]

A reindeer walked into a pub, strolled up to the bar and ordered a pint of lager.

Completely unphased, the barman poured out the lager and passed it to the reindeer, who handed over a ten pound note.

As he handed over the change of a few coins, the barman said "I have to say, you're first reindeer I've seen in here."

The reindeer studied the change very carefully and said. "Tell you what sunshine, as these prices I'm also the last reindeer you're going to see in here."

[Red Yaris 54]

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup of sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is

of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter

in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck

in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,

pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again. hic

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

[GIDDLEPIN]

[Raistlin]

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

To the tune of "The Day We Went To Bangor"

(A chorus can be created by repeating the last two lines.)

Didn't we have

A lovely time

At the office Christmas party

Drunk as a skunk

On some 'orrible plonk

Donated by the Sales Director

Dancing up close

And eyeing up those

We'd fancied all the season

While the girls and the boys

Made a terrible noise

As the booze went down

Jennifer's bloke

Had purchased some coke

And shoved it up his nostrils

He never thought

That the sustance he'd bought

Was half an ounce of curry powder

He took a snort

Which rapidly brought

A change to his complexion

So he quickly withdrew

To the gentlemen's loo

And they flushed him down

Oliver Ross

The regional boss

Came in from engineering

Trying to look slick

With some sexy young chick

He'd picked up in the sales department

He didn't know

The naughty bimbo

Was Kate the chairman's daughter

'Til her daddy came back

Just to give him the sack

What a big put down

Two silly pratts

Came over from stats.

And both as kissed as armholes

Groping around

Every girl that they found

Looking for a Christmas garter

Adrian Bragg

Was dressed up in drag

Just for the occasion

But they got a suprise

When the tickled his thighs

And his skirt fell down

Rosemary Gray

The boss's P.A.

Was dressed as Father Christmas

Slit up her skirt

And a transparent shirt

With sequins in the vital places

Rosie was caught

With Oliver Short

In the ladies rest room

Doing something obscene

On the vending machine

Hanging up-side-down

Timothy Groves

Discarded his clothes

And played his ukulele

Sat with a smile

On a cabinet file

Gently swinging to the music

Having a ball

With songs to recall

Those jolly days of Christmas

When Barbara Moore

Slammed the cabinet door

And the tears rolled down

[Devil-ish]

Purloined from another forum>>>>>........

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.