Preparation For Parenthood

April 22, 2009

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and

decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents

to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a

mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a

beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,

take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the

contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to

help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary

paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and

read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who

are already parents and berate them about their methods of

discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and

how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in

which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet

training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the

last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from

5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at

10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,

until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep,

get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at

3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the

alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut

butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger

behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in

the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with

crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an

octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string

bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all

morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,

turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch

tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a

milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs

and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you

have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave

it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look

like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove

compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette

player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down

the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

There!, Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go

out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.

Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk

very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely

every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead

insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as

much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try

taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you

can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If

you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy

your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay

for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily

accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from

the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy

Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by

pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops

are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it

falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame

Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself

singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify

as a parent.

April 22, 2009

And I thought this would be about the film with Steve Martin - which also requires some quite precise preparation.

1. Drink loads, abuse solvents until your reality is totally warped.

2. Watch film

3. Try to convince yourself that it was funny ( while suppressing the whole 'viewers remorse' feeling and realising that you've just had 2 hours of your life mercilessly stolen from you that you'll never get back )

4. Vow NEVER to watch a Steve Martin film again

April 22, 2009

Bin There, Dun That, got puke all over the T Shirt :rolleyes:

& no Grand Children on the horizon :thumbsup:

April 23, 2009

Oh I thought this topic was going to be some spin off to Kidulthood and Adulthood :blink: or am I just showing my youthfulness :rolleyes:

April 23, 2009

And I thought this would be about the film with Steve Martin - which also requires some quite precise preparation.
1. Drink loads, abuse solvents until your reality is totally warped.
2. Watch film
3. Try to convince yourself that it was funny ( while suppressing the whole 'viewers remorse' feeling and realising that you've just had 2 hours of your life mercilessly stolen from you that you'll never get back )
4. Vow NEVER to watch a Steve Martin film again

So it wasn't very good then :yawn: